Topic: Working on a writing project...

[OpalRhea]

Okay, so I'm working on a writing project. The main world is comparable to SAO (with some other elements[including a combat system based on the six elements {Fire, Earth, Light, Darkness, Water and Air}, and a similar idea to the partner system seen in a few series {digimon and bakugan are the main two off the top of my head}]). But none of that is the point.

The point is, i want to post up what I've written, and take suggestions on how to continue, and things you would like to see me change.

All I have at the moment is intro, but eh. Also, name suggestions for the headsets are welcome c:


Nobody really knows who had created the ‘headsets’. The best thing to compare them to, especially after they were refined, was the Nerve Gear, used in the popular series Sword Art Online. In effect, that was what they were. Employees of both Sony and Microsoft received a prototype, as well as detailed instructions on how to make the device. They brought it to their superiors, and the two companies began to bicker about who had the idea first. By sheer coincidence, it turned out that both sets of superiors had received the plans at the same time. And so, the two agreed to work together for once, to create a gaming experience that would change the art of video games, possibly forever.

 And that was where it all went to hell.

 

For a while, various companies made and released games for the -----, but, as expected, no-one met the expectations of the gamers who had purchased the headsets. Then, all of a sudden, a game was available on Steam, which was only compatible with the ----- software. One thousand people downloaded, and began to play what was listed simply as The Game-beta. It turns out that, like the series the headset could have come from, only a thousand players could join the beta. Six months after the beta, The Game was opened to anyone with a Steam account, and not only that, there was no price tag. Perhaps that should have been the first warning sign…

[Richard and Blaziken]

Was quite pleased to see you'd begun on this when you showed me! I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes :>

[OpalRhea]

Okay, so as far as characters, i've got; The Natural Leader (Rich, Fire), The Rival (who turns good) (Matt, Earth), The Pessimist (Leon, Light), The Hacker (Keira, Wind), Chris (Dark) (who got into the Game hoping to escape from reality, and got more than she bargained for), and... Naomi (name subject to change) (water) who at the moment is a moderately uninteresting character, and that is what i want to change.
 So... Personality suggestions for Naomi are my next requests for you guys (and a name for the headset)

[Hahex and Oshawott]

I don't think starting it with "nobody knew where they came from" is necessary, to say that the prototypes were obtained from an unknown source by both companies should suffice. Creating original names for your rival companies and steam might be more interesting than just going with the Sony/microsoft, I think it should give a better sci-fi fantasy feel to the story. Linking it with reality opens it up to "oh but these two would never work together" BS that is unnecessary, and with original names you can more easily embrace and create a different "real" world that you'd have greater control over. Linking the description of one of the more important artifacts in your story to a similar device in a different world, especially in the introduction, is a little off putting as well. It makes it feel that you're almost ripping off straight from someone else (whether or not you actually are is besides the point). A better idea would perhaps to have one of your characters make the comparison in passing, but even that you'd have to do carefully.

I don't really know about character development and stuff, but everyone seems to fall into to some kind of trope. Perhaps with Naomi you could try something more different from any traditional personality stereotype, although I'm not sure what that is.

As for name suggestions for the headset, you want to create something with a nice unique name that conveys what it does well. To that end, you haven't really expanded on what exactly it is. If it's like SAO, then it's some kind of VR type thing? Maybe AR, standing for Alternate Reality, could work?  I'd say its a little apt for a character like Chris.

Either way, good luck on writing it, I promise to be mildly interested in how it turns out

 

[OpalRhea]

Thanks. That's the kind of comment I need. Just enough critique to improve, and enough interest to ensure i actually take it to heart. I'll do another rewrite soon. Today's too hectic until this arvo. Tomorrow's prolly the best day for it.

[Awkward Squirtle]

This sounds interesting. I think I'll follow how this is going. I can't think of any good names atm, but I'll let you know if I do.

[SirBlaziken]

I think Naomi sounds more like a wind name to me, to be honest. As for character development, Naomi could be the laid back and relaxed one. Chris, since the element is dark and wanted to use the game to escape reality, could have come from a bad situation, and thus be a bit edgy and sharp tongued.

[OpalRhea]

Thank you all for your interest. I've written a second version of the intro, and i will be posting it soon. The name i decided on for the headsets is the V-ARC (Virtual, Alternative Reality Connector[or Connection. Can't decide. It's always called the V-ARC anyway so...]). Once i post the second version of the intro, i may put up a poll for which version you guys prefer.

EDIT~ read below for the intro ver 2


The V-ARC. A brilliant advance in technology. Created to meet the demands of a gaming community, who would be satisfied by nothing less than a completely immersive gaming experience.
 Well, they got what they asked for.
 The Virtual Alternative Reality Connector, more often known as the V-ARC. The brainchild of the two biggest names in software known to man. On initial inspection, it looks like someone took a motorcycle helmet, attached a set of ski goggles, added some cords and a pair of gloves.
 In reality, it's so much more.
 The simple version is that it intercepts and receives the signals from the brain, allowing the player to experience the world of their chosen game as if they were inside the world.
 And that's all anyone really wanted to know.


 For the first year, all the games released for the V-ARC were disappointments at best. Nobody was harnessing the potential of this system, making games the way they always had, using the input of commands to preform actions, rather than letting the player act as they might in reality.
 But then things began to change.
 It started rather innocently. A gamer posted something he'd received in an email on his blog. It was a download file for the beta for a new game on the V-ARC. The file was simply labeled 'The Game-beta'. Someone decided to try it, then shared it to their friends. Things passed like this, until The Game had been downloaded a thousand times.
 Talk of it spread like fire, and reviews started popping up from those lucky enough to get the download before it closed. Everyone was interested, and speculation spread steadily over the internet. By the end of the year, The Game was the most anticipated potential release in recent memory.

Six months passed, and The Game was released for world wide download.¹ It didn't cost anything, and reviewers insisted that nothing in the game required real money.²
 It's amazing how oblivious people can be to a warning sign like that...



Superscript numbers means that from the beginning of the sentence the superscript is at the end of is replaced by the corresponding note (if that made sense). Red means that I've just removed the line, and underlined means that I've only added a word.


¹Six months passed, and download links, now labelled simply as ‘The Game’, started showing up everywhere. The link was apparently found on blogs, torrent websites, file and video sharing websites, articles and even some government webpages.
²It cost nothing (at least not financially) to download, and reviewers reported that nothing within the world of The Game required real money.

EDIT. Ver 2.3 (i think)
The V-ARC. A brilliant advance in technology. Created to meet the demands of a gaming community, who would be satisfied by nothing less than a completely immersive gaming experience.
 Well, they got what they asked for.
 The Virtual Alternative Reality Connector, more often known as the V-ARC. It was the brainchild of the two biggest names in software known to man. On initial inspection, it looks like someone took a motorcycle helmet, attached a set of ski goggles, and connected a pair of gloves with some cords.
 In reality, it's so much more.
 In essence it intercepts and receives the signals from the brain, allowing the player to experience the world of their chosen game as if they were inside the world.
 And that's all anyone really wanted to know.


 For the first year, all the games released for the V-ARC were disappointments at best. Nobody was harnessing the full potential of this system, making games the way they always had, using the input of commands to preform actions, rather than letting the player act as they might in reality.

 It started rather innocently. A gamer posted something he'd received in an email on his blog. It was a download file for the beta of a new game on the V-ARC. The file was simply labelled 'The Game-beta'. Someone decided to try it, then shared it to their friends. Things passed like this, until The Game had been downloaded a thousand times, when the link mysteriously stopped working.
 Talk of it spread like wildfire, and reviews started popping up from those lucky enough to get the download before it closed. Everyone was interested, and speculation spread steadily over the internet. By the end of the year, The Game was the most anticipated potential release in recent memory.

Six months passed, and download links, now labelled simply as ‘The Game’, started showing up everywhere. The link was apparently found on blogs, torrent websites, file and video sharing websites, articles and even some government webpages. It cost nothing (at least not financially) to download, and reviewers reported that nothing within the world of The Game required real money.
 It's amazing how oblivious people can be to a warning sign like that...

[SirBlaziken]

So the update is here. Nice job.

The first one, it seemed a bit darker to me than the second one. And for the sort of story you said you wanted to write, that's what you're gonna want. I liked that one a bit more than the second one.

However.....

The second one went more in depth about how the game spread and gave a name to the device that the game uses. Details can be important to a story. This one, though seemed a bit lighter to me. Depends on what you're looking for in this story. Although I really liked the second one's ending.

[SaRo|Rapidash]

I think both are pretty awesome, but I'd say that the first half of the original (Nobody... to ...forever.) and the second half of the update (For the first year... onwards) are the best halves.

One very minor thing:

"The game cost nothing" seems against the tension built up: the game DOES cost something, but its free. At least, I get the impression it'll cost them a little more than money. I'd suggest saying "The game was freeware" or "The game cost nothing, at least, financially"

[SirBlaziken]

That would make the mood of it a lot darker, nice idea Dick.

[Hahex and Oshawott]

"The game cost nothing" seems against the tension built up: the game DOES cost something, but its free. At least, I get the impression it'll cost them a little more than money. I'd suggest saying "The game was freeware" or "The game cost nothing, at least, financially"

Ah, I like that second option a lot.
I really like the new name for the system as well. V-ARC has a bit of a cool tone at face value but also seems a little dark.

and reviewers insisted that nothing in the game required real money.

I think "reported" instead of "insisted" may be a better word. It keeps a feeling of mystery and makes it feel less like some dodgy marketing scheme.

For the first year, all the games released for the V-ARC were disappointments at best. Nobody was harnessing the potential of this system, making games the way they always had, using the input of commands to preform actions, rather than letting the player act as they might in reality.
But then things began to change.
 It started rather innocently. A gamer posted something he'd received in an email on his blog. It was a download file for the beta for a new game on the V-ARC. The file was simply labeled 'The Game-beta'. Someone decided to try it, then shared it to their friends. Things passed like this, until The Game had been downloaded a thousand times.
 

I don't feel like the bolded words are totally necessary, they come off as a bit cliche as well. Perhaps it might be more effective if the story suddenly cuts to "It started rather..."

By the end of the year, The Game was the most anticipated release in recent memory.

The idea of a release is associated with some sort of official or something that is linked with a company that has a face. I think you're trying to convey more of a mysterious feel for the game though. So it would make sense if no one really knows what the "beta" part really means or if there ever will be a proper release. The subsequent release doesn't really make too much sense then; how do people know that this particular download is an official release? Remember, it originates from a mysterious email so there's no way to get at the game's creators and they can't announce anything like a release.

I like the overall effect you're trying to achieve but the plot could be a little more convincing in order to really grip the reader. At the moment, it kinda feels like a bunch of tropes being thrown around (a VR system that fails, a mysterious email, free-ware etc.) that's not necessarily bad, but they need to tie together a little more neatly.

The concept is a lot of fun though, and I'm looking forward to how the rest of it goes.

[OpalRhea]

Made edits using superscript, color and underlining. Let me know if those work better. chapter 1 is in progress for anyone who cares

[SaRo|Rapidash]

I think the intro flows quite well now, especially with how there's nothing directly saying the game is dangerous or bad, its just a few subtle hints.

I look forward to seeing chapter 1 - this seems like the sort of story I'll stay interested in ^^

[SirBlaziken]

I'm really liking the look of this.