Topic: first world problems

[lets all go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes]

My anxiety is coming back and i'm running out of ways to fight it.

the two best things i found that worked were either hella weightliftings (which may not be feasible 4 u but if you got some Physical Sport to do then get in on that)

or takin a moment out to do deep breathing (influences vagus nerve impulses which stops higher processin brain bits like Anxiety from jumping in as easily and also rebalances blood overoxygenation from hyperventilation. no-one believes its as simple as slowin ur breathing down but sometimes it really is). if you feel Too Busy for a 10 min Breathing Sesh then chances are you deffo need to stop and do it.

Meds is just a crapshoot at the best of times (safest things are Buspar and Propanolol) and dont even get into the Hell of benzos, let me tell you now. CBT is good and there are online solutions but its unsuccessful with some people cos they dont quite get the Work involved and think its a magic therapy solution.

 

it will be tough but the only thing tellin u that ur about to die all the time is the anxiety itself, if you know what i mean. its like a naysayer troll constantly on ur shoulder and it really isn't as strong as you think it might be. it takes a while to really Get it (im 18+ish yrs and counting of Mental Trouble and the first half of that was mostly Denial so i know it aint easy) but best of luck!

well my dad knows and i didn't die but now i gotta live with everything orz

after crashin outta uni (i say crashing outta uni, a 2:2 is not really what i expected to get at all cos i wanted to go onto a phD and ended up only getting a BSc in a mainly MChem environment where everyone wants 2:1 on an MChem at minimum) and academically havin my ego take a sound thrashin i took some time to sulk n also have a mental breakdown

but also to go back to basics and refigure out what it was i actually wanted and not what i thought i wanted. turned out my specialties lied in Care and Autist/Mental Health Science stuff after a long cascade of weird stuff and i dread to think how unhappy id be in academia right now? turns out that My Uni Dream comin crashing down horribly was The Best (If Bittersweet) Thing To Happen Ever and in time to come maybe it will be the same for u.

it sucks right now but a) you got some time to think about what you want to do n to lick ur wounds b) you dont have to continue to do a degree you hate and possibly die of stress. also c) dont sulk for too long cos boy does that stage extend for 9999999999 years if you let it

also d) if you still want to do Game Stuff after all of this then when you're ready try to start small, learn a couple frameworks (GM/unity/ue4). maybe publish a game or two on itch.io. sadly a lot of game making is Boring Coding or Debugging or Tile Drawing.

its kind of a lie that you have to go to Game Making Uni cos let me tell you most graduates from Top Class Unis tend to be useless at the very basics in what they supposedly studied. just ask anyone in the Computer industry what freshly minted graduates are like and theyll probably go "uuUUUGGHHH". all oxbridge graduates ive ever known have either been massively infamous furry dramalords who leave poo stains on bathroom towels or huge depressive alcoholic drug addicts who never should have been pushed into the academic life in the first place







anyway this was my unwarranted carepost thx for readin. i cant help myself it just kind of leaks out. sry every1.

[Pam-the-Lamb]

 I said something stupid and now I'm getting the silent treatment. I'm more scared than anything, it's awful.

[Shaymin]

after crashin outta uni (i say crashing outta uni, a 2:2 is not really what i expected to get at all cos i wanted to go onto a phD and ended up only getting a BSc in a mainly MChem environment where everyone wants 2:1 on an MChem at minimum) and academically havin my ego take a sound thrashin i took some time to sulk n also have a mental breakdown

thing is this was my third crack at uni and boy i was hoping it'd go better but like... i did even worse than last year. last year i failed three modules this year i failed five. i dropped out my very first time (mental health troubles + being away from home was a horrible thing rip). my pain's been steadily getting worse and worse which probably didn't help orz

but also to go back to basics and refigure out what it was i actually wanted and not what i thought i wanted. turned out my specialties lied in Care and Autist/Mental Health Science stuff after a long cascade of weird stuff and i dread to think how unhappy id be in academia right now? turns out that My Uni Dream comin crashing down horribly was The Best (If Bittersweet) Thing To Happen Ever and in time to come maybe it will be the same for u.

i just gotta find the Thing. idk what it is yet - i rly like drawing and writing i guess so i'm gonna try making more not fan crap?? who knows orz

it sucks right now but a) you got some time to think about what you want to do n to lick ur wounds b) you dont have to continue to do a degree you hate and possibly die of stress. also c) dont sulk for too long cos boy does that stage extend for 9999999999 years if you let it


also d) if you still want to do Game Stuff after all of this then when you're ready try to start small, learn a couple frameworks (GM/unity/ue4). maybe publish a game or two on itch.io. sadly a lot of game making is Boring Coding or Debugging or Tile Drawing.

first things first i need money/job cause like... i got negative money and money still needs paying (phone bill and all that) but no one will hire a jobless disabled loser who's never had a job before so i'm gonna have to hit the charity shops n volunteer - which, i'm willing to do but like... christ i need money

its kind of a lie that you have to go to Game Making Uni cos let me tell you most graduates from Top Class Unis tend to be useless at the very basics in what they supposedly studied. just ask anyone in the Computer industry what freshly minted graduates are like and theyll probably go "uuUUUGGHHH". all oxbridge graduates ive ever known have either been massively infamous furry dramalords who leave poo stains on bathroom towels or huge depressive alcoholic drug addicts who never should have been pushed into the academic life in the first place

tbh the course was rly fun n stuff but i just... i can't learn in an academic environment anymore since my brain n body went to hell in a handbasket. i just can't remember anything i get told unless i write it down (and i never did that so shaymin what is ur damage u dumb truck). i still have 2 years worth of 3ds max to mess around with and game maker sutdio. i just have to look up tutorials and everything again rip

[Inferna]

^ about the job thing like I had no job experience and didn't get my first job until I was 20 lmao. I volunteered at a charity shop once a week on a Saturday for like 3 months (then quit because I couldn't be bothered oops also creepy guys worked there but) but I had enough ~experience~ that I could talk about at an interview or on my cv. Two years later I'm working in the hell that is morrisons and have been trained on four different departments, soon to be five lol.
But yeah charity shops are always looking for people, I guess as well if you have little local independent shops where you stay then that's a good place to start!
Just take some time to relax and not be stressed about uni, I know it's easier said than done though.

I'm debating about learning to drive again?? I've found a lot of instructors here but the thought of city driving terrifies me lmao. Idk I would love to pass by Christmas but ideally before I graduate next year I guess. I have the money for it and luckily the theory's under my belt and passed so it would just be a case of the practical side of things. Even if I never had a car like it would be good to have for jobs and in the future? Then there's the whole 'should I go automatic' but then that's potentially 2 tests and ugh

[not chloe]

Lidl own brand products taste terrible but it's all I can afford

[sans the skeleton]

Lidl own brand products taste terrible but it's all I can afford

morrison's own brand stuff is healthier and (to me) tends to taste better. its cheaper for me cuz of distance and such (short walk to the store in comparison to a 2 mile drive to asda or whatever, also i cant drive and buses give me Issues). if there's one near u, check it out

also its more work but it tends to be cheaper to make everything homemade, or as much as you can at least.

i had to live on pasta from the food bank for a few months* and thats one of the main things we get here yolo, so im assuming thats either cheaper in general or at least fairer to buy in bulk - plus it lasts a good while so if ur money troubles extend, at least you've got pasta!

IMO if that does end up the case and you can only afford pasta, don't be afraid to experiment with what you can get - dont forget to boil the pasta with a little pinch of salt (adds a lil flavor, idk how common place it is as a Thing but).

*my uncle, bless his heart, also donated us some food during the time. he liked to pretend he shoplifted everything. (he likes to pretend hes a criminal but actually hes a joker)

[not chloe]

Ah no there isn't a morrisons in Cheltenham, the only supermarkets in walking distance are Tesco, Lidl and Iceland with the latter two being closest. Might try more pound land stuff though because that's all branded 🤔

Not sure where our closest food bank is but if worst comes to worst I'll find out.

Got plenty of pasta though what a life saver

[The Shrub Dragon]

Meds is just a crapshoot at the best of times (safest things are Buspar and Propanolol) and dont even get into the Hell of benzos, let me tell you now. CBT is good and there are online solutions but its unsuccessful with some people cos they dont quite get the Work involved and think its a magic therapy solution.

ur anxiety pal shrub here 2 talk 2 u about benzos also blaze:


so benzos.  yeah.  they work.  theyre also a class c restricted drug for a reason.  so like when youre anxious and u take a benzo it's a sedative and u calm right the heck down (or at least i do because i have like Actual Fits of Uncontrollable Crying and Shouting and Irrationality that cannot formally be diagnosed because im brainweird at the best of times so mine are short-acting) but theyre also habit-forming.


so like basically,, unless u have like a carer or u live with someone who u can trust to look after them for u and be like 'blaze no more 2day' it's best not 2 go on them esp. if ur in that particularly vulnerable state which u know, i assume u are right now.


propranolol is great tho definitely try propranolol it calmed my physical symptoms right down n stopped my palpitations and my nausea a little so theyre worth a shot if u have a lot of physical symptoms

[SirBlaziken]

^I find some of it is actually weather related, but most of it is me just spazzing over things I usually do easily. The only thing that has really helped so far is just going through the motions. I don't want to take drugs for it so idk.

It's cold in my house and I can't close it up so i'm stuck draping the blanket that's too small over me in an effort to not feel like i'm going to get sick.

[lets all go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes]

thing is this was my third crack at uni and boy i was hoping it'd go better but like... i did even worse than last year. last year i failed three modules this year i failed five. i dropped out my very first time (mental health troubles + being away from home was a horrible thing rip). my pain's been steadily getting worse and worse which probably didn't help orz

lmao same, took me 3 attempts just to get the A Level to go to uni in the first place. had to repeat 2nd year twice after uh a whole bunch of stuff happened and managed to save the second half of the breakdown until i graduated.

like idk bout you but Stress really exacerbates the Joint Pain stuff so that may partly be why you went so far south????? like im literally in wrist braces in my graduation photo lmao

i just gotta find the Thing. idk what it is yet - i rly like drawing and writing i guess so i'm gonna try making more not fan crap?? who knows orz

the Creative sector is sadly going through the For Exposure crisis and is also a place where you need to be super on top of the trends and v competitive, i shortly considered it before going into the Latin of STEM subjects (chemistry) and i could barely win a school fight despite being 6 ft something (gentle giant) so I Cant Reccommend it as a career choice entirely unless you are Aggresive.

additionally regardin career paths you should not try to make a career out of a hobby otherwise it will become a Job and you will end up hating it. ymmv but a lot of graphic artists get Super Depressed cos they get burnout and the one thing they did to chill out becomes a thing they loathe to get up to do every morning. some work it better than others and compartmentalise better but go into it being aware of that if you decide to do it

basically you need to be thinking "what could i bear to do for a bunch of hours a day to fund my hobbies" and that could be anything from being a trainee lab monkey to a data entry person. retail i.e. charity shop is a good start and it really gets you up to speed on the Functional Social Skills

also if you dont mind im gonna fold up the rest of my reply in a spoiler tag to make it look less like im an idiot who couldn't be concise to save their life \(￣ロ￣lll)

Spoiler: show

first things first i need money/job cause like... i got negative money and money still needs paying (phone bill and all that) but no one will hire a jobless disabled loser who's never had a job before so i'm gonna have to hit the charity shops n volunteer - which, i'm willing to do but like... christ i need money

you will have a Lot Of Trouble w/o job experience (unless you're holding out on some Connections here)  sadly and the best ways to get that are Interning and/or volunteering. charity shop volunteering (as inferna suggested, i can strongly concur w/ her post) is a VERY good way in. old arthritic ladies work in charity shops so they dont go barmy from lonliness so they will understand Aches n Pains n Awkwardness n needing to have a sitdown chair every so often and a lot of quick dashes to the loo.

double plus, in a charity shop you get first dibs on the stuff that comes in AND if you live in an affluent area you get like, lightly used designer stuff for a fraction of the price which will come in very useful in your Lesser Money days when the wardrobe needs repopulated. if you are a thiftlord sewer/knitter/spinner (its a cheap hobby if done right!) like me then charity shop backrooms are like a nirvana

tbh the course was rly fun n stuff but i just... i can't learn in an academic environment anymore since my brain n body went to hell in a handbasket. i just can't remember anything i get told unless i write it down (and i never did that so shaymin what is ur damage u dumb truck). i still have 2 years worth of 3ds max to mess around with and game maker sutdio. i just have to look up tutorials and everything again rip

i can never remember if in that huge post back where we talked about stuff like potty emergencies n knee braces etc if we talked about SpLDs but i managed to get diagnosed with a v handwavy "there is a SpLD but we dunno. your brain is broken in a weird way" in uni and ive been having to do the rest of the legwork myself (so far i know i have hyperlexia and something on the cyclothymic end of things and im p sure im ASD cos i even got the Trouble With Cows Milk and the Bad Skin and Misbehavin Guts n cluster stuff that is symptomatic of ASD genetics)

BUT all else being equal and IANAD etc etc there is the chance that you may be part of the Special Learning club. good news: you learn creatively n get there in a more fufilling n deeper way than others. bad news: its hard n tough and in my experience doctors dont deal too well with anything outside of Serious Impairment Cases and Childhood Diagnosed Severe Autism cos the system is massively broken!

there is little support for late diagnosed/hidden SpLD/ASD/ADHD/ADD etc. etc. (we need our own QUILTBAG word) folk and if you can get it you are lucky but you can slowly glean it from what is avaliable online and sorta gettin a bit Involved with special learnin community stuff/techniques/ur local library. volunterring for Special Needs Support is a thing you could try! (like i need Support myself but i will not get it in the Grim North for a good while but one thing that helps is helpin out someone worse than you down the chain of things. i think i blabbed on about my care job but i currently care for someone w progressive chronic MS who cant stand or walk by themselves and it Helps in a weird way)

 like i wouldn't have passed my degree if it weren't for Anki and i had to extrapolate from autistic kid support resources to be saved from multiple temper tantrums by my bitey Autism Chew Toys which i sewed shirt clips for   cos i was gettin sick of never havin them to hand when i needed them/droppin them on the floor

which meant i had to go downstairs and rewash them. youd think id have a thumbsucking habit but i have to wash my hands every time i want to do that and its like, my thumbs just taste all gross if i aint washed them beforehand. sigh.


anyway this was long and boring but thx for reading if you did! i hope u find Special Needs Enlightenment soon

ur anxiety pal shrub here 2 talk 2 u about benzos also blaze:


so benzos.  yeah.  they work.  theyre also a class c restricted drug for a reason.  so like when youre anxious and u take a benzo it's a sedative and u calm right the heck down (or at least i do because i have like Actual Fits of Uncontrollable Crying and Shouting and Irrationality that cannot formally be diagnosed because im brainweird at the best of times so mine are short-acting) but theyre also habit-forming.


so like basically,, unless u have like a carer or u live with someone who u can trust to look after them for u and be like 'blaze no more 2day' it's best not 2 go on them esp. if ur in that particularly vulnerable state which u know, i assume u are right now.


propranolol is great tho definitely try propranolol it calmed my physical symptoms right down n stopped my palpitations and my nausea a little so theyre worth a shot if u have a lot of physical symptoms

yaaaaaaaaaaaaa hi fivin this post

benzos are a nice n quick fix but then you have the people whose Sham Money Loving Doctors have got them on whole grams of 4 benzos at once cos thats what the drug rep said to do and like the Opiod Lot (who start at 8/500 co-codamol and end up overdosing on a fentanyl patch in the shower) its a really slippery slope to go down unless you have competent carers/supervisors and its a Last Resort.

i have no idea what propanolol is like cos its a big //buzzer noise// for asthmatics. (；´д｀)ゞ if u find yourself getting asthma then try to magically not get it

also Magnesium is surprisingly Effective as a bootleg benzo! make sure its the more readily absorbed forms like magnesium citrate as opposed to magnesium oxide and if you get diohhrea dioorrea diohhorea then dial it back a bit but its rly gr8 stuff if you dont wanna go the meds route cos it is a muscle relaxant and surprisingly effective for Restless Leg for some

edit: snipeposted a bit here but the info is for anyone who wants it still

[Shaymin]

lmao same, took me 3 attempts just to get the A Level to go to uni in the first place. had to repeat 2nd year twice after uh a whole bunch of stuff happened and managed to save the second half of the breakdown until i graduated.

pfft i hate to laugh but like... same. i had to redo first year of sixth form cause i got a D and 3 Us the first time around. Dad yelled at me at a Costa in Ellesmere Port. People stared. I cried like a baby rip

like idk bout you but Stress really exacerbates the Joint Pain stuff so that may partly be why you went so far south????? like im literally in wrist braces in my graduation photo lmao

like... it seems to?? and it becomes an endless cycle of "i'm stressed cause i'm in pain. i'm in pain cause i'm stressed" garbage. recently i can't even like... remember a day without pain??? i can specifically remember the pain starting 8+ years ago now (nearly 9 yers. hooowee i'm old af) and it gradually becoming an every day thing. i still have """okay""" days where i'm walking like ur Average™ human being but i have a stupid waddle most of the time cause hips + knees are just awful awful children.

the Creative sector is sadly going through the For Exposure crisis and is also a place where you need to be super on top of the trends and v competitive, i shortly considered it before going into the Latin of STEM subjects (chemistry) and i could barely win a school fight despite being 6 ft something (gentle giant) so I Cant Reccommend it as a career choice entirely unless you are Aggresive.

alas i am a smol fragile bean who would rather just doodle for fun that be competitive rip

nnnnnn here we go w/ replyin

Spoiler: show

you will have a Lot Of Trouble w/o job experience (unless you're holding out on some Connections here)  sadly and the best ways to get that are Interning and/or volunteering. charity shop volunteering (as inferna suggested, i can strongly concur w/ her post) is a VERY good way in. old arthritic ladies work in charity shops so they dont go barmy from lonliness so they will understand Aches n Pains n Awkwardness n needing to have a sitdown chair every so often and a lot of quick dashes to the loo.

-- i got absolutely 0 connections cause mum has no job and dad works at a school and the amount of hoops i'd have to jump thru to work at said school is just Not Worth it

double plus, in a charity shop you get first dibs on the stuff that comes in AND if you live in an affluent area you get like, lightly used designer stuff for a fraction of the price which will come in very useful in your Lesser Money days when the wardrobe needs repopulated. if you are a thiftlord sewer/knitter/spinner (its a cheap hobby if done right!) like me then charity shop backrooms are like a nirvana

-- idk if i'd count Chester as Affluent but it is nice. idk tho designer isn't my thing (i'm a jeans + t-shirts kind of gal). alas i will not be able to spend my negamoney anyway cause i need to activate my new card (which i still haven't done) and other things need paying for [dies]

i can never remember if in that huge post back where we talked about stuff like potty emergencies n knee braces etc if we talked about SpLDs but i managed to get diagnosed with a v handwavy "there is a SpLD but we dunno. your brain is broken in a weird way" in uni and ive been having to do the rest of the legwork myself (so far i know i have hyperlexia and something on the cyclothymic end of things and im p sure im ASD cos i even got the Trouble With Cows Milk and the Bad Skin and Misbehavin Guts n cluster stuff that is symptomatic of ASD genetics)

-- i think i might have maybe adhd??? i know it's seriously underdiagnosed in girls anyways so it's why it may have been looked over but most things literally Cannot hold my attention for more than 5 mins it is the worst. as for other brain garbage stuff i'm probably gonna bring it up w/ the doc again if the lack of codeine + pressure doesn't make it go away. i don't think having nothing to do it'll make it go away but i can hope right

BUT all else being equal and IANAD etc etc there is the chance that you may be part of the Special Learning club. good news: you learn creatively n get there in a more fufilling n deeper way than others. bad news: its hard n tough and in my experience doctors dont deal too well with anything outside of Serious Impairment Cases and Childhood Diagnosed Severe Autism cos the system is massively broken!

there is little support for late diagnosed/hidden SpLD/ASD/ADHD/ADD etc. etc. (we need our own QUILTBAG word) folk and if you can get it you are lucky but you can slowly glean it from what is avaliable online and sorta gettin a bit Involved with special learnin community stuff/techniques/ur local library. volunterring for Special Needs Support is a thing you could try! (like i need Support myself but i will not get it in the Grim North for a good while but one thing that helps is helpin out someone worse than you down the chain of things. i think i blabbed on about my care job but i currently care for someone w progressive chronic MS who cant stand or walk by themselves and it Helps in a weird way)

 like i wouldn't have passed my degree if it weren't for Anki and i had to extrapolate from autistic kid support resources to be saved from multiple temper tantrums by my bitey Autism Chew Toys which i sewed shirt clips for   cos i was gettin sick of never havin them to hand when i needed them/droppin them on the floor

which meant i had to go downstairs and rewash them. youd think id have a thumbsucking habit but i have to wash my hands every time i want to do that and its like, my thumbs just taste all gross if i aint washed them beforehand. sigh.


anyway this was long and boring but thx for reading if you did! i hope u find Special Needs Enlightenment soon

my mum did offhandedly mention a coupkle years ago that i could be on the spectrum cause i have a number of things (facial recognition is ???? most of the time for me. what are u feeling friend. i can't read) i was a super awk kid who preferred the company of adults until i was forced to socialise with my peers, obsessed w/ certain specifics (pokémon for one. i used to be able to name them from just descriptions and their number but now my brains gone to hell in a handbasket i can't... remember). i mean i wasn't behind in my development as a kid (i was ahead in everything except telling my parents what i need. i was one of Those kids who would just grunt when asked what was wrong. i was awful for telling them when my nappy needed changing or when i was tired. 0/10 worst child) but idk. my brain and body is just one big giant mess and i'm sitting looking at it thinking "how did i get here"

[The Shrub Dragon]

ya gal shrub can share her Wisdom w u again here, this time on adhd


so after everythin blew up in june i was diagnosed w adhd and because im a girl and im 17 my mum's immediate reaction was like 'wtf' and she was like 'it doesnt make sense' and then she read more about girls with adhd and everything just kind of fell into place.


so it turns out that you don't gotta be one of those impulsive kids who runs around screaming n hitting people like your stereotypical Six Year Old Boy that everyone imagines when someone is like 'adhd'.  in fact i was actually used as a way of behavioural management because i was so quiet and patient and i didnt really react to distractions (wasnt listening probably obviously) so they sat me near badly behaved kids so that they could basically Yell At A Rock and get bored.  for me the signs were less disruptive and hitting and more 'i don't know how to deal with this overwhelming emotion and so i'm going to head into this corner and cry'.


it kind of got super super clear when i was in year 4/5ish though and i would constantly get called up to the teacher's desk for doodling on my work (n of course i would always cry) and i think it was like 50/50 as to whether i was likely to ever actually finish a piece of work


and then it all started presenting as mental health issues lmfao

[Shaymin]

so it turns out that you don't gotta be one of those impulsive kids who runs around screaming n hitting people like your stereotypical Six Year Old Boy that everyone imagines when someone is like 'adhd'.  in fact i was actually used as a way of behavioural management because i was so quiet and patient and i didnt really react to distractions (wasnt listening probably obviously) so they sat me near badly behaved kids so that they could basically Yell At A Rock and get bored.  for me the signs were less disruptive and hitting and more 'i don't know how to deal with this overwhelming emotion and so i'm going to head into this corner and cry'.


it kind of got super super clear when i was in year 4/5ish though and i would constantly get called up to the teacher's desk for doodling on my work (n of course i would always cry) and i think it was like 50/50 as to whether i was likely to ever actually finish a piece of work

damn if that doesn't describe me at school lmao

i found one of those tiny previews u get w/ a school photo thing and of course my eyes found my ex almost immediately and i just [wheezes] get out

[Pam-the-Lamb]

 So I couldn't enjoy Sausage Party aha. That low-brow humour, man. It was just a mix of sex jokes, rape jokes, and the occasional unintentionally funny moments that lasted a few seconds at most.

 It feels as if a lot of the favourable reviews were provided by paid shills. I'm pretty chuffed that my ticket was really cheap.

[Petzbreeder]

I haven't got the foggiest idea how to make the Engineer's Toolbox mod work on Minecraft 1.7.10.