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My anxiety is coming back and i'm running out of ways to fight it.
well my dad knows and i didn't die but now i gotta live with everything orz
after crashin outta uni (i say crashing outta uni, a 2:2 is not really what i expected to get at all cos i wanted to go onto a phD and ended up only getting a BSc in a mainly MChem environment where everyone wants 2:1 on an MChem at minimum) and academically havin my ego take a sound thrashin i took some time to sulk n also have a mental breakdown
but also to go back to basics and refigure out what it was i actually wanted and not what i thought i wanted. turned out my specialties lied in Care and Autist/Mental Health Science stuff after a long cascade of weird stuff and i dread to think how unhappy id be in academia right now? turns out that My Uni Dream comin crashing down horribly was The Best (If Bittersweet) Thing To Happen Ever and in time to come maybe it will be the same for u.
it sucks right now but a) you got some time to think about what you want to do n to lick ur wounds b) you dont have to continue to do a degree you hate and possibly die of stress. also c) dont sulk for too long cos boy does that stage extend for 9999999999 years if you let it also d) if you still want to do Game Stuff after all of this then when you're ready try to start small, learn a couple frameworks (GM/unity/ue4). maybe publish a game or two on itch.io. sadly a lot of game making is Boring Coding or Debugging or Tile Drawing.
its kind of a lie that you have to go to Game Making Uni cos let me tell you most graduates from Top Class Unis tend to be useless at the very basics in what they supposedly studied. just ask anyone in the Computer industry what freshly minted graduates are like and theyll probably go "uuUUUGGHHH". all oxbridge graduates ive ever known have either been massively infamous furry dramalords who leave poo stains on bathroom towels or huge depressive alcoholic drug addicts who never should have been pushed into the academic life in the first place
Lidl own brand products taste terrible but it's all I can afford
Meds is just a crapshoot at the best of times (safest things are Buspar and Propanolol) and dont even get into the Hell of benzos, let me tell you now. CBT is good and there are online solutions but its unsuccessful with some people cos they dont quite get the Work involved and think its a magic therapy solution.
thing is this was my third crack at uni and boy i was hoping it'd go better but like... i did even worse than last year. last year i failed three modules this year i failed five. i dropped out my very first time (mental health troubles + being away from home was a horrible thing rip). my pain's been steadily getting worse and worse which probably didn't help orz
i just gotta find the Thing. idk what it is yet - i rly like drawing and writing i guess so i'm gonna try making more not fan crap?? who knows orz
first things first i need money/job cause like... i got negative money and money still needs paying (phone bill and all that) but no one will hire a jobless disabled loser who's never had a job before so i'm gonna have to hit the charity shops n volunteer - which, i'm willing to do but like... christ i need money
tbh the course was rly fun n stuff but i just... i can't learn in an academic environment anymore since my brain n body went to hell in a handbasket. i just can't remember anything i get told unless i write it down (and i never did that so shaymin what is ur damage u dumb truck). i still have 2 years worth of 3ds max to mess around with and game maker sutdio. i just have to look up tutorials and everything again rip
ur anxiety pal shrub here 2 talk 2 u about benzos also blaze:so benzos. yeah. they work. theyre also a class c restricted drug for a reason. so like when youre anxious and u take a benzo it's a sedative and u calm right the heck down (or at least i do because i have like Actual Fits of Uncontrollable Crying and Shouting and Irrationality that cannot formally be diagnosed because im brainweird at the best of times so mine are short-acting) but theyre also habit-forming.so like basically,, unless u have like a carer or u live with someone who u can trust to look after them for u and be like 'blaze no more 2day' it's best not 2 go on them esp. if ur in that particularly vulnerable state which u know, i assume u are right now.propranolol is great tho definitely try propranolol it calmed my physical symptoms right down n stopped my palpitations and my nausea a little so theyre worth a shot if u have a lot of physical symptoms
lmao same, took me 3 attempts just to get the A Level to go to uni in the first place. had to repeat 2nd year twice after uh a whole bunch of stuff happened and managed to save the second half of the breakdown until i graduated.
like idk bout you but Stress really exacerbates the Joint Pain stuff so that may partly be why you went so far south????? like im literally in wrist braces in my graduation photo lmao
the Creative sector is sadly going through the For Exposure crisis and is also a place where you need to be super on top of the trends and v competitive, i shortly considered it before going into the Latin of STEM subjects (chemistry) and i could barely win a school fight despite being 6 ft something (gentle giant) so I Cant Reccommend it as a career choice entirely unless you are Aggresive.
so it turns out that you don't gotta be one of those impulsive kids who runs around screaming n hitting people like your stereotypical Six Year Old Boy that everyone imagines when someone is like 'adhd'. in fact i was actually used as a way of behavioural management because i was so quiet and patient and i didnt really react to distractions (wasnt listening probably obviously) so they sat me near badly behaved kids so that they could basically Yell At A Rock and get bored. for me the signs were less disruptive and hitting and more 'i don't know how to deal with this overwhelming emotion and so i'm going to head into this corner and cry'. it kind of got super super clear when i was in year 4/5ish though and i would constantly get called up to the teacher's desk for doodling on my work (n of course i would always cry) and i think it was like 50/50 as to whether i was likely to ever actually finish a piece of work