Topic: What should I do about university?

[kindtocrows]

It's a little late right now and I really shouldn't be up, but I really feel I need help with this and if I wait I may never actually do it. Basically, I have no idea what to do. I'm in university, but I feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything with it. I'm doing horribly and could very well fail out of it. It's not because I'm not smart enough, it's just, thanks to a perfect storm of mental health problems and learning disabilities, I just can't handle it. Even if I did manage to stumble my way through, what then? I doubt I could get a job and even if I did I'd never be able to keep it. I lack the conviction for it. No matter how much pressure I'm under, no matter how dire the situation, I just can't bring myself to care. Believe me, I try to get past it, I mean, you'd think all I'd have to do is put everything else away, maybe go somewhere else to work, but it really isn't. If I go somewhere else, I can't work as well and I get horrible social anxiety, really just going to university is hard and I always want to get out of there as fast as I can. But if I work from home I just get distracted. And really, I need those distractions to keep myself from self harm. I feel like I'm just making excuses for myself, that I should just be able to will myself through this, but if that was the case then should it really be this hard to change? Am I just not trying hard enough?

The other problem is, how can I tell my aunt (who I live with instead of with my parents) all this? How do I explain how hard it is for me to simply walk outside without having to mentally prepare myself? Just how can I explain the severity of my problems, especially since I've been majorly downplaying them for years now. Hell, it's hard enough for me to talk about it here. She knows about my problems, but she thinks they're getting better, which they are kind of, but they're better as in I'm actually capable of feeling positive emotions on a regular basis now and I don't feel that horrible empty feeling that would me me incapable of doing anything but lie on the floor and take a nap nearly as often as I used to. How do I explain that I just can't handle university, or at least can't handle it yet?

_{Am I being too open? Though I don't see the point in not being open about this anymore. Anyway, that's enough of my 4AM rambling that I will totally regret tomorrow. Sorry if I sounded whiny, I just really needed to get that out and talk to someone about it.}

[Kerou 犠牲]

I've got work so I can't write a proper reply atm but I'll try to do one tonight / tomorrow morning if I can, since I kinda know what you're going through ^^;

[Inferna]

All of this kind sound cliche but yeah. I would talk to one of your lecturers/teachers/advisers about how you're feeling first of all. If you don't feel comfortable doing it face to face, email them instead! It's much better to tell them sooner rather than later if you're struggling, rather than when deadlines are just coming up. They'll be able to talk you through your options and get some support. I know it would probably be my worst nightmare too but does your uni offer counselling? Maybe try and go to talk through everything. Bottling things up is never good, you just get more and more overwhelmed with it all.
if you're not enjoying your course then could you change courses? Even going part time for a semester might help.
I would just sit down and have a proper conversation about it with your aunt. I've been in that boat before and I know how horrible it feels thinking that won't help or that they're not going to care. I know it's always hard talking about stuff like that to family members but it does take a weight of your mind that they know.
If you genuinely don't enjoy uni anymore then there's no shame in not continuing with your course. If it's the actual atmosphere there then that can be more tricky to deal with. When I first started I was very shy and hated meeting new people. As much as I hated it I just tried to push myself to make friends. Even just having a few friends to fall back on there can help massively, you don't have to be a social butterfly or anything.
but yeah if you aren't enjoying the course maybe see if you could transfer or reapply in the autumn? (I have no idea how it works in Canada :u) I know you like doing art so why not try going into that! There's no shame in taking a year out either just to recuperate. I know this sounds like the worst thing but even getting a small part time job can help. I only got mine a few months back and I've come a long way with that. Even if its for 4 hours on a Saturday it can take your mind off everything and you're working and getting some money.
I'm sorry this advice is probably terrible but yeah don't be afraid to send me a pm or vent to us on chat  <3

[Milsap]

I've got my degree in music technology, have a teaching qualification and yet I work in the motor trade. A lot of people don't get careers in what their degree is.

I kinda know how you feel: I had a nervous breakdown while teaching that was kind of the icing on the cake for me. University isn't for everyone. I don't know how it was in your school but at mine it was "You MUST go to university or you won't get a decent job." Looking back, they were kind of right: I got to leave the sticks of South Lincolnshire and move to Birmingham and never felt better.

But, university isn't for everybody. I know those with learning disabilities (Friend with dyslexia that went undiagnosed until he was 39 and my fiancee is severely partially sighted) who really struggled during their degrees because of the word-heavy assessments.

I guess I was lucky in that the workload never bothered me as I was just able to get on with it as soon as it was given to me and have it done at least two weeks before it was due as opposed to my mates who did it all the night before and wondered why they were stressed. But it's kinda like all things: For some people it's for them, others not. I would speak to your course leader first. If he/she is anything like mine they'll listen to anything you have to say and won't judge you. They might even be able to find some help.

Just my input.

[Delicious_Scout]

The fact is that loads of people leave their degree when they are c(o)ursing their first year, and more or less the same happens during the second one. It might be because of the professors, your partners, even location, but these little things are the ones that can ruin a perfectly good degree (I remember you told us there was a class on how to turn on the PC).

Considering your case, you have been trained in a wide array of aspects, from dance to languages. This is when one says "I know too much, this is my curse"; one never knows too much, as what remains hidden can still be interesting. And with that I am not encouraging you to leave the course without thinking twice, but to observe and analyse (if that is possible for you).

"Follow your dreams" is another tricky statement, as it can trespass on the domain of unethical and/or non-practical use; but you must certainly have enough will to lead your life through a desired chain of events. This can be done alone, yes, but help from other individuals such as friends and professors is unvaluable, as more knowledge is usually acquired by talking to them.

For short, do whatever you want facing the consequences of your acts. Yes, my words have been proven to be useless.

[sylar]

my friend actually has been talking about the exact same things you are and his option was to drop out or continue to the point of killing himself, which he said he came extremely close to on several occasions

if you cant handle it, drop out until you can. even if youve come far, your health trumps education and if your health is being affected by your education then its a sign you need to take a break.

you could try online classes? or some kind of night classes? just to ease you back into The World Of Education in a smooth way. i feel going to uni straight up as someone who is mentally ill is a bad idea. ive dropped out of multiple colleges due to my mental illnesses making it all too difficult. you just need to take it easy.

i understand the disappointed guardian part, but i feel that in time theyll come to understand the happier person it makes you upon removing yourself from the situation. it makes a significant improvement to your mood and overall health to remove yourself from depressing and stressful situations like school, maybe theyll see that and lay off a little.

youve got all the time in the world to go to uni, dont get yourself in a state too early on about it.

[lets all go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes]

get in touch w/ student welfare and tell em ur havin a crisis of confidence, at least get it down on paper that ur Struggling so lecturers cant yell @ u
also use that student counselling for all its worth its Free (as in free lunch i guess) but still

uni disability services are rubbish tho (in my exp at least) so sorry in advance about that

[Shaymin]

Okay I was in the same position as you this time last year. I was struggling with keeping up with my studies, to the point where I couldn't get myself out of bed. It took a lot of courage to tell my parents and even then it was still difficult. You need to make the decision to drop out or not. Go to the people who deal with this sort of thing - talk to them, tell them exactly how you feel about your future studies. They will help you to make the decision to drop out or not.

Telling the people you live with is difficult, I won't lie. When I told my mother, I thought she was going to yell at me and tell me that I should keep going, but she was entirely supportive. Your aunt may not be, but lying to her and yourself is going to be detrimental to you and your health.

Think this through properly - have a plan for what you're going to do after you drop out - even if it is taking the rest of the year off to rest and recuperate. However, remember that the Student Finance Company will want their money back - they demanded fourteen hundred from me this summer, believing I had dropped out and got a job.

Put what you believe is best for you first, because if you're not happy where you are then there is little point in forcing yourself to carry on.

[Clairefable]

Think this through properly - have a plan for what you're going to do after you drop out - even if it is taking the rest of the year off to rest and recuperate.

This. Having a plan might make it easier to tell your Aunt if you do decide to drop out, and she'll probably take the news a bit better as well rather than thinking you're just going to drop out of uni to do nothing. Even a little part time job somewhere to build your confidence up might help. I dropped out of college at 19 because I hated it and ended up working for four years before deciding to go back to do something else. You'll never be too old for uni if you decide to go back later!

[Kpyna]

Email all of your teachers and tell them about the problems you are having. Teachers are gonna have to be sympathetic, and if they're not, then go over their heads and talk to someone in authority and they'll make sure any professor that can't handle your disability is dealt with accordingly. Further, I would recommend meeting with an advisor or wellness. They deal with stuff like that all the time, and they'll be able to tell you where to go from here a bit better than us or your family can.

Universities are going to try to accommodate you, and that's probably the best option you can take. If you're having trouble and the university has helped you to the extent that it can, then you definitely should take a break. Your mental well being is of utmost importance. Further, as others have suggested, it may be worth checking out online schools. I'm in the US, but my school has a well accredited online program, and I'm sure there are some universities that have a good online program in Canada.

But, by all means, consider taking a year off. I have some friends that took that year to figure themselves out, and proceeded to get accepted into nice places and as far as I can tell, they're doing well. However, I would recommend talking to advisors and guidance before you make the decision to see what the school can do to help you.

And I agree with the "never too old for university" thing. I have classes with some students definitely being over the age of 40 and returning to complete their degree, and they do just fine! I also know a lot of adults use our online program so they can go to school while they work. So really, I'd explore your options. There are a million better situations to be than your current one, and your university can help you make that change.

[Kerou 犠牲]

I'm just gonna reiterate the point of speaking with your student welfare because they can guide you through it all, I'd still be at Uni (or able to return) if I had done that instead of just trying to force myself through it, resulting in me wanting to kill myself and leaving Uni in a bad way. Like I've said to you on IRC before about things, plan them for the day on how you want to approach it, so start with talking to student welfare where they can allow you to take a break if necessary and relay that back to your Aunt. No matter what you choose to do, communication is always key because then everyone will be in the know of what's going on and it reduces the drama levels so much.

I'd agree with the working option too because it does allow your mind to focus on other things without getting overly worked up on the whole picture, like everyone else has said, going on and completing your degree at another time is always an option so don't see this as a crisis if you decide to leave.

I'll complete my degree one day (well, start a new one and finish it. I think.)

[kindtocrows]

Woah I wasn't expecting this much response. Thanks ;u;
Really, the fact that you all cared enough to write all that literally moved me to tears.

I don't think I explained my full problem very well though. But it was 4AM and I was upset and needed to vent so that was the best I could do at the time.

I never thought taking a year or so off was a bad thing. My mother did just that; she started university and majored in engineering when she graduated because that's what you're supposed to do according to the vast majority of people, but eventually dropped out because she wasn't yet able to handle it. She spent some years off and started university again when she felt ready. She now has two engineering degrees and will have a third soon. Clearly what she did was right for her.

She advised I also take a few years off if I feel I need to so I don't repeat the same mistakes she made. She and I are a lot alike in many ways, especially regarding mental health, so it's not unlikely that doing what she did would help in the long run. Even without taking that into consideration I knew, before even registering, that I wasn't ready. I was actually planning to go back to high school for a year to bring some of my marks up and give me more time before going to university. I really regret not doing that, now I'm not sure if I even have that option anymore.

I've actually put a lot of thought into this, I've weighed my options and I know what's best for me right now. My main problem is really that my aunt controls my life and doesn't seem to trust my judgment, even though she has even admitted that I am usually right about these things.

I'm even having the same problem she had, which is mainly ADHD, which we both have. My problem is, because they caught her's they were able to catch mine sooner, so they gave me a prescription and assumed that because I said I did notice a difference it was working, but they never asked how much of a difference it was. I tried to tell them it wasn't working well enough, but they just talked over me and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I eventually just grew tired of trying and just gave up. Honestly, I'm not even sure more medication will fix the problem, I think it may just be something that will come with time, and throwing medication at it to try and rush it has resulted in some awful side effects in the past. Actually, it may be the medication that is causing some of my problems. It's calmed my thoughts down, sure, but I wasn't always as apathetic as I am now, and when I had a really bad reaction a few years ago one of the main problems was apathy.

Wow that was a tangent, sorry for writing my entire thought process there. Though it really helped me figure that out. Maybe going off the medication will help. I'll still probably need to take the rest of the year off though, if stopping it is anything like starting or increasing the dose there will be no way I'll be able to get anything done. And that may not even work, it may still just be an age thing. Or maybe it's both. Though my aunt will probably just convince me to stay in university anyway, which will likely lead to me failing (again) and getting kicked out, which will make it significantly harder to get back in when I'm ready and will obviously take its tole on my mental health.

_{Oh... I've been writing this for about 2:30 hours... I should stop before I spend another hour writing this one post... did this even have a point other then helping me clear my thoughts... ? Wait, I just remembered more things I wanted to say before I started rambling.}

I know you like doing art so why not try going into that!

Actually, that's what I would be doing if the university I go to actually offered it. Well, technically they do offer it, but it's on another campus and if I could go to another campus to focus on art then I could go to an actual art school.

There's no shame in taking a year out either just to recuperate. I know this sounds like the worst thing but even getting a small part time job can help.

Yeah, you're probably right. I'll consider it. Thanks <3

I don't know how it was in your school but at mine it was "You MUST go to university or you won't get a decent job."

Yeah, it's pretty much the same here, though, strangely, around here it's a much better idea to go to a trades school, it's really difficult to get a job with a degree here, so you'd have to leave the province.

It might be because of the professors, your partners, even location, but these little things are the ones that can ruin a perfectly good degree (I remember you told us there was a class on how to turn on the PC).

Yeah, I'm still not sure what that was about. I took another course in computer science and the first lab was nothing like that one. Also we now actually have a computer in our classroom. There's something kind of ironic about teaching computer science using an overhead projector... That was a weird course...

you could try online classes? or some kind of night classes?

Actually, I've tried both... Neither worked...

uni disability services are rubbish tho (in my exp at least) so sorry in advance about that

Ugh, yeah, already had plenty experience with that. I have a lot to say about that, but...

However, remember that the Student Finance Company will want their money back - they demanded fourteen hundred from me this summer, believing I had dropped out and got a job.

That's actually something I'm really worried about. If I drop out now it could be financially devastating, but if I stay it could be academically devastating (I already got an academic warning, if I can't do well this term I'll fail out).

However, I would recommend talking to advisors and guidance before you make the decision to see what the school can do to help you.

Yeah, I should do that. I mean, I can make all the speculations in the world, but I still don't actually know anything.


I just spent another hour at this... and all I have to show for it is a jumbled mess of a post... sorry about that...

[Clairefable]

If your mother has been in a similar situation, can you and she maybe speak to your aunt together?

[kindtocrows]

Maybe, but it's hard to get in touch with her and conversations over the phone are not always the most effective. Still worth a shot though.

[lets all go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes]

Ugh, yeah, already had plenty experience with that. I have a lot to say about that, but...

also in the graduate world the Two Ticks scheme is also a bald-faced lie as well, dont fall for it several times before learning the truth like i did lmao. //sighs sadly//
"if u declare urself w/ a disability, even if u paint it in a really positive light in ur personal statement you wont get any """"guaranteed interview"""" nonsense that we promised. hahaha did u think anyone actually enforces this????????? good luck gettin a job elsewhere, clown."

like god dont even get me started on the uni!disabilities thing tho you'd think these top class houses of intelligensia would have made sure they kept teaching methods at the forefront and accessible for all and not made their notes unreadable trash
but god forbid you tell the national prodigy of some narrow avenue of some scientific/social arts doctrine how to do his job better, he's been doing it the same way since the 60s and if u tell him what to do maybe he'll jolly well take himself and his huge department grants and graduate students to another uni!!!!
even the dyslexia dude in my uni's department was like, ugh, thanks its ur actual job to know im Clinically Dumb thanks for the comment that im a hapless spazmo idiot who cant do a handwritten slide properly in front of our group it was rayt nice i loved it so much.

i guess what im tryin to say is we should have a "holy lol why do uni disability services suck so much entirely. sigh." party. all SpLD students are invited and i will bake much delicious homemade bread and cakes for all to get fat on and we will wear yellow spld stickers with our names on.




i would deffo go to ur uni's Crisis Service or Helpgroup or whatever wacky name your uni gives it tho and at least seek out How They Deal With Troubles Officially cos despite the appalling disabilities support ur probably not the first one who's come to them all "aggguughhhh" and its usually the first step for getting "bad circumstances pity marks" on an exam or for them to go "ah yes you went to the crisis service at blabaalahab" if you need to drop out

also as a Medicated Person do discuss it throroughly w/ ur doc before messin around with your meds and make absolutely sure its the right path, i easily sodded up the latter half of my degree due to a bit of a hypomania!bad decision regarding having too much control over my meds. i mean ymmv because im not really in the adhd area of things but yeah