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I tend to have a very photographic memory of people's profiles on here. Hell, I asked someone what the song was in their profile the other day and it turned out to be that the song I wanted hadn't been there for nearly 5 months. =]

Er... 8/10. You've earnt that extra point by directly replying to me.

The question isn't "who am I?", but rather.. "who was I?".

Miss your Spiderman sig.  7/10.

Can't say I know you at all. 0/10

Obviously I don't know what you're feeling but for me leaving uni and starting a different course was the best thing. If you're going to quit do it as soon as possible, saves on the accommodation costs and gives you more time to prepare for next year or get a job. If you want to stay at uni then spend tonight prowling for a study buddy! Maybe force your self into more socials with your housemates?

The stuff in the small print pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment. I'm planning on quitting over the next three weeks, as in packing up and relocating back home. I might officially withdraw from University in two weeks time, see how I feel next week. I need to sort other things out, find out what to do regarding my student finance, etc etc.

I'd link you directly to the page it's on in my dA, where most of my journals go, but because I've had swears in it, I can't do so. So instead I've copied it into here, modified the bits that weren't +3 and put it in a smaller font so it doesn't take up the entire page so much, and so if anybody wants to read it they can simply copy and paste it into a word document.

Since I wrote this, Monday, I've decided on my short-term future being that I am to withdraw from University because it's clearly no longer where I want to be, nor can I manage to keep up with the work; I've bitten off far more than I can chew. =[.

But, in a way, it's something that's cheering me up because I know now that I've given this a try and I've found an answer in a weird form. Anyway;



Seeing as I feel a bit more composed as I write this, I might as well give you a bit of a contents guide..

~ How I now feel about University
~ What I can do right now
~ How I feel about myself
~ What's terrifying me.

Well, they're a bit vague. But I can't really do it anyway else. Seeing as I've promised a few people who've asked me how it's going and I've kinda had to say "I'll tell you some other time when it's not going to cripple my fingers texting you back".

If you read my previous two journals you'll know how I've felt about University in the last few weeks. The second one was on the back of a really, really low day for me so don't take it as seriously as you might have done at first. I think it was just because I'd had a really, really good weekend back in Hull with my snooker team, with the social life I'd built up last year due to my 3rd year at college, that just disturbed me into feeling as low as I did.

Right now I've accepted that.. I think I bitten off far more than I can chew with trying to do Mathematics at University level. Whether I was aiming blind, or feeling like I could really step up to the challenge, I don't know anymore, but I've gotten to the stage now where I'm almost ready to accept that staying here will, within due time, dig myself into a deeper hole; mentally, physically (in that I'll get so far into the course that I'll feel obliged to carry on) and eventually make me feel worse than I ever have done so.

:: *~* i have lived so many lives all in my head *~* ::

I don't know for a fact whether it's due to me hating my course, or whether there's something deeper that lies beneath. I've been having counselling to try and help me get to the root of my problem, to help me unlock my mind to what's really bothering me. Perhaps it's the fact I've come out of my comfort zone, where I've built up a life at home to cope with everybody who, outside of my family and friends from club, meant anything to me leaving. Perhaps it's the fact that I now rarely trust anyone completely, and that I'm struggling to let my flatmates get closer to me than what they see me to be; bound to the pub and football, with the occasional sarcastic "i don't give a damn" comment.

:: *~* and don't you tell me that you care *~* ::

Right now I've given myself a deadline of Christmas. A deadline of deciding what I need to do; withdraw immediately from University and look for a job, withdraw from University in March time, withdraw from University at the end of my academic year which counts for nothing, withdraw from University with the hope of going to my hometown University next summer, withdraw from University with the intent of working my way up the ladder or last but probably least, stay at University.

I've got, including this week, four weeks left before I get my reading week. This is what I needed to have had last week so I could have sat back and really analysed what I've got here without physically being here. I don't know how much I'll be able to open my mind to see what's really causing me to feel like this, there's no guarantee that when Christmas comes I'll know what I'm doing, but I cannot enter 2010 the same way I entered last year and the year before.. not sure of myself and what I was doing here - life.

Last year I felt alone and I was always waiting for something, something that I thought would simply come. The year before I felt lost because of me not wanting to go to University at that point in life (when I was halfway through my second year at college) and coming to the realisation that the only person who could come close to compensating the loss of my friends and being 'stuck' at home for another year was 400 miles away.

:: *~* oh so sick i am and maybe i don't have a choice *~* ::

I cannot have another introduction to the year feeling unsure of myself, unsure of what I'm doing, unsure of where I'm going. Now I know you might be asking yourself just why I'm fixtation on New Years as much as I've unawaringly made out so there, but for me, it's always been that time of the year where I look back on the year and ask myself "have I really done enough?", "am I happy?", and I guess more importantly as I go through this period of my life where I've no longer got a clear path ahead of me, "what do I want to do in my life and what do I need to do to achieve it?".

I honestly don't know what I want from my life, apart from that I want a family, a place to call my own, a sense of belonging I guess. I don't know, I started to feel like this about two years ago and since then I've struggled to maintain a clear head regarding what I've wanted, what I desire, what I want from my life. I find myself too easily switching off and losing concentration in my long term goals, kind of swaying from idol to idol in my aims.

:: *~* i want to do something that matters *~* ::

Right now I feel that whilst I'm the most open minded, the most mature.. than I've ever been, whilst I'm happy in myself and who I am, seeing as I can't change who I am, I'm not confident enough to choose a path ahead of me. I don't know what it is I want to do in my life. I know that whatever I do end up doing.. I've got the intelligence, the passion, the energy to succeed, but the question is "what will I be doing?".

I don't have any dreams, no real desires apart from "to belong". But to who? To what? I don't know.. I don't know what it means. To be in a relationship? To have something depend on me, in terms of a job, a career? To find a happiness again, a state where I can say "I'm happy with who I am and where I am"? Am I asking for too much, am I asking for something I can never fully acheive? Calm at mind?

:: *~* and if i could just reach you maybe i could leave this place *~* ::

One of things that is completely and utterly terrifying me is this situation. I don't act like it, but the things that terrify me the most is the end to this situation. If I leave, I've no longer got a permanent direction, I'm not forced to get a job, I'm not forced to be any happier at home, I'm not forced to have made the right decision. Where as if I stay, I'm terrified of being unhappy and always craving home whenever I get really low, terrified of failing at my course and wasting time that I don't feel like I've got anymore, terrified of growing antisocial and more and more alone.

I no longer know what brings a smile to my face, not a lasting one. I'm always feeling low at the end of nights out, feeling like I'm out of place. I've always seen myself as being an outsider due to what I am and how I am; hence me associating myself to the "one of a kind" tag more and more these days, although I'm no longer sure in the right way. I feel out of place probably due to that, but then I begin to let my mind wander and I feel I become more and more alienated from what people call 'reality'. Oh I don't know.

I just.. I'm stuck now as I approach possibly the biggest decision of my life. I'm split between this concept of giving up something I've dreamed of since I was a young boy, although for what reason I'm no longer sure. Giving up the closest idea I've had in a good while as to what I'd like to do - teach - and going back to this.. unknown that seems to cloud everything I do and think these days.

So there I go. That's pretty much what's too long for me to type out in a text message, what's too long for me to type out on MSN.

=/